Kitchen Confessions: Whole Chicken Angst

I think of myself as a pretty good cook.  But to be honest, whole chickens, whole turkeys, whole fish, whole pigs, whole cows, whole, well, you get the idea…freak me out!!  I usually buy meat that’s already cut up and ready to go.  And the way raw meat feels, LOATHE ENTIRELY!!!! My toes are curled and chills are running up my body just typing this out.  Bleh.  Due to my squeamish disgust respect of animals, I have purposefully not learned the art of cutting a whole anything.  A whole pie, pizza, or cake, yes, but an animal, negative.  Since my parents came for Christmas, I decided to buy a whole chicken, because my mom could cut it up!! :)  And I was determined to learn how to cut that chicken.  The day came for my mom to cut the chicken, and I found a hundred other things to do while she did it.  I didn’t even look in her general direction.  She may or may not have kept calling me over to watch.  At the end of it, she said, “You deliberately chose not to watch or learn, didn’t you?”  Ummm…you don’t know me!!!  Sigh.

Unfortunately, my darling hubby picked up that whole chicken from Costco, which we all know doesn’t come with just 1 of anything.  1 jar of peanut butter?  Just kidding, you have to buy 17.  So, of course I had another chicken in my freezer just taunting me.  Every time I opened the freezer, I could hear it screaming at me: “You can’t do it!!!  You’re too chicken!!”  Shut your neck hole, chicken!!  One day, I had enough.  I knew my mom would always thaw chicken in the sink, with cold water, so I took great pleasure in drowning that screaming frozen chicken!  Then I googled to see how long I should keep it in there.  I couldn’t find a weight anywhere on the packaging, so I guessed, and after the allotted time, I put it in the fridge. I stressed out all day over having to wrangle and mangle that stupid chicken.  Well, the dreaded time came for me to haul that sucker out of the fridge and onto the cutting board.  I set up my laptop and found the easiest “how to cut a whole chicken” video on youtube.  I put on an ugly apron (didn’t want guts on a pretty one), sharpened my knife, took a deep breath and hit play.  One cut into the stupid chicken and I knew my assumption for the weight was wrong.  It was still half-way frozen. Mm-hmmm.  I had to keep running my hands under water because they were going numb due to frostbite from trying to saw thru cut that chicken.  I will spare you the nasty details, but after lots of sawing cutting, replaying the youtube video, and an abundance of hateful verbiage towards the chicken, I did it!!  Even though the chicken pieces may or may not have been identifiable, paired with potatoes, carrots, and a bottle of BBQ sauce, baked for an hr in the oven, it was very tasty!!!

Boom. I win.

Chicken: 0
Kellie: 1

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3 Comments

  • At 2013.01.24 08:31, Carla M said:

    Hi Kellie, This was such a funny, well-written piece! You had me cracking up with your commentary! I am NOT a fan of cutting up whole- anything-animal-related either, so it really resonated with me. If I stopped to think about it, I would never eat half of what I cook either, but that is another story! Thank you for starting my day with a laugh. Love your blog!

    • At 2013.01.26 14:34, Donna said:

      Ok. You’re one up on me. I just cooked my first one…by I cooked it whole. I didn’t cut it apart until AFTER it was cooked. I guess that’s my next adventure.

      • At 2013.01.28 12:19, Jennifer said:

        Lol that’s so funny. Don’t feel bad I haven’t cut one up either. After years of not liking the feeling either, I have the butcher still do it. Yeah I’m with you. With mom coming tomorrow, I am having her do it all. Lol. I can totally see your facial expressions as you murder that chicken again after it was frozen solid!!! I laughed so hard my incision from having Jayden hurts. Thanks for my meds….. Love ya

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